


Happy

by Marinia



Series: Young Sides, Old Writing [3]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Denial of Feelings, Developing Friendships, Friendship, Gen, Manipulative Deceit Sanders, Mean Deceit Sanders, Minor Internalized Homophobia, Morality | Patton Sanders Tries, Morality | Patton Sanders-centric, Pre-Canon, Repression, This Isn't Dark But It's Not Happy Either, Toxic friendship, Unhappy Ending, Young Sides (Sanders Sides), like three sentences, poor Patton
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-16
Updated: 2019-10-16
Packaged: 2020-12-17 14:48:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21056186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marinia/pseuds/Marinia
Summary: Patton was always happy, because he was always smiling. And he never stopped smiling, because his Friend needed him to be strong, and he was always happy either way, right? So it was all alright and happy and Patton was smiling.





	Happy

“Come on, Morality, hurry up!” Creativity shouted from his place in front of the ship’s wheel, the pirate get-up clashing with his samurai sword and his long, braided hair. He currently went by Gridley ‘Mad’ Crowley, because he liked the way Gridley sounded. 

“Just a minute!” Morality exclaimed in return, looking at his hands.

He loved playing with Gridley, he loved it when they went into some crazy new place neither of them had ever been in, based on a book, a movie, a lesson, or just Roman’s ideas. It was almost scary how lifelike everything was, how realistic Creativity made even the ideas Logic proclaimed to be stupid. Everything was detailed, the way Gridley thought it would be in real life.

That was, Morality assumed, the reason for his hands being covered in blisters that threatened to tear if he so much as touched the rope. 

He moved his hands, wanting to try anyway, but they burned and hurt. And he wanted to go on having fun, but he knew they couldn’t, not when his hands were so… hurt. “Grid! I think we’re gonna have to stop! My hands are all blistered!” he shouted, trying to ignore his guilt. It wasn’t his fault that the rope had burned him like that. 

Creativity looked alarmed, even from so far away, slipping down one of the ropes like a pole in a fire station. It reminded him of the bad action movies that sometimes ran on TV.

Gridley took Morality’s hands, gasping when he saw the red blisters. 

“Morality! I’m so sorry!” he shouted, quickly waving his hand over the blisters that disappeared with a flash, leaving Morality without any marks. 

“Aw, it’s nothing, Grid,” he grinned, hugging the other that was wrapping his arms around him as if to apologize for his mistake.

But both boys quickly parted. Gridley looked unsure and almost ashamed as he asked whether they should continue playing and Morality looked away as he asked his friend to play something else, but Gridley didn’t mind. He waved the pirate ship away with a disdainful look towards the ropes, replacing it with a huge pillowfort, made of pretty pink and lilac pillows, light green fluffy blankets and with magical candles set everywhere, and a large TV to play Cinderella. 

The cuddled close together, and Morality grinned as Gridley sang along to the songs, not hitting the notes but still sounding so happy! Sitting together like that, he could easily forget the leftover guilt. 

* * *

When Morality closed the door and fell against it, the smile fell and he was ready to cry, when he noticed that there was…  _ someone _ standing in his room. He quickly pushed down his tears and put up a smile again. “Hi, I’m Morality! Are you a new Side?” he asked, curiosity overshadowing his fatigue. 

The other Side wore a bowler hat, like the men in old movies, and a yellow hero’s cape. Zhang Min would love it. But as he looked up from his hands, Morality had to suppress a flinch. 

His right eye was like that of a snake.

There was no white in it. Instead, what looked like layers of yellow spider webs covered what should be white. His pupil was black, and still it seemed to glow against the yellow. It was slit and long, dark and scary. 

Morality felt the hairs on his neck stand up as fear was freezing him in place. 

-But.... Mom had taught them that it was unfair to judge people based on their looks! That it was wrong! And he wouldn’t be wrong! 

So he put on a brave face and smiled at the other, even if it itched. 

The other gave him a small smirk, rolling on his feet as he looked around the room, ignoring the question. “I like your room,” he said, and Morality was confused, but… maybe the newcomer just hadn’t heard him? 

“Thank you! It has all my favorite memories, even though Logic says they belong with him- But they make me all so happy! And whenever I feel blue, I can look at them and I’m happy again!” he smiled, even though it began to burn. He was tired and just wanted to go to bed, but the others eyes lit up with interests, and he asked question after question….

Morality wanted to turn him down, but whenever he tried, the other just walked a few steps toward another souvenir and commented on it. And… well, Morality usually loved talking about his memories! So it was really silly of him when he began to itch everywhere and his smile began to burn and his eyes began to burn too, as tears wanted to escape- it was  _ super duper _ silly!

The other asked yet  _ another  _ question. He never ran out of them, and he never met Morality’s eyes and he never noticed how tired he was. He just wanted to go to bed! 

“Hey, I really wanna sleep now, can you come back tomorrow? You could meet the other sides too!” he proposed, voice quiet and meek. 

The other frowned for the first time.“I… I thought we were having fun?” he asked, insecurity rolling off of him. His eyes got glossy and he fidgeted with his cape. 

The sight broke Morality’s heart. “We-We are! I’m sorry, but I did so much today, and I’m just really, really tired, okay?” 

“Oh…” the other murmured, looking down. “Okay,” he murmured, and gave Morality a smile that was too wobbly to fool anyone. “I can go, then. I don’t wanna annoy you.”

“You don’t annoy me! I’m just… how about we meet tomorrow? You come here, and I tell you all about my memories! Or we could play some games!” Morality invited. The other smiled and it was like he had just promise him the stars.

“Really? Thank you so much, I’ll be here tomorrow, promise!” he grinned, before disappearing.

Morality startled when he didn’t sink out, but… but maybe he was just different? After all, Thomas was just six years old, so maybe there were other kinds of Sides that had yet to come? He shrugged, smile falling off his face, too tired to care much. 

He looked at the clock, cringing at the time. He would be tired tomorrow, and his vision was getting too wobbly for him to brush his teeth.

So he settled on his bed, curling in on himself.

He felt too drained to do more than push the emotions boiling under his skin away. He slept uneasily, but at last, he could rest. 

* * *

“What’s your name?” Morality asked while rolling the dice, grinning when he could move his play piece six places forward, narrowly avoiding a trap. His Friend frowned, but it was replaced with a smirk as quick as it had come. Morality doubted it even being there in the first place.

“What do you mean?” he asked, seeming genuinely confused.

“You know, your name? Logic and I use our functions as names, so I’m Morality and he’s Logic, but Nadia changes her name and her pronouns all the time because it changes a lot for her. You can just go with your function, if you want,” he offered with a smile, but his Friend still seemed at a loss.

“I... don’t think I know what I do,” he murmured. He stared up at Morality, alarmed. “Is that bad? Should I know? I feel like I should know-”

“Hey, it’s okay! Sometimes it can take a while to find out, I’m sure,” he smiled. “You can just tell me when you know, okay?”

“Okay,” his Friend muttered, with a small smile.

* * *

Morality sunk against the door, closing his eyes for a moment.

“Wanna play?” his Friend asked, holding out a deck of cards. 

Morality sighed. He was tired and grumpy and annoyed at Logic because he wanted Thomas to learn so much even though he should befriend all the cool kids in his class, and he really wanted to sleep or look at his souvenirs, even if they had begun to make him want to just stay in his room instead of joining the others. 

But he pulled out a smile and nodded, sitting cross-legged and across from his friend.

But his smile soon fell and silence reigned. 

Until his Friend broke the quiet.“What’s up with you? You’re not smiling!”

Morality shrugged. “It was just an annoying day… And I know the others want the best for Thomas, but he should be having fun! And Logic just wants him to learn more and more, even though Memory is already stuffed with all the new stuff we’re learning, and all that stuff has to be processed too, but Logic just wants to absorb everything right now, but I know that would make stuff be forgotten, but he doesn’t  _ listen _ and I just… It’s hard to keep smiling,” he murmured.

“But I thought we were having fun? You can tell me if you don’t want me around… It’s no  _ big deal”, _ his Friend muttered, crossing his arms. An obvious lie. 

“What, no! I’m having fun, I’m just- just also really tired,” Morality tried to convince him. He felt guilty already.

“But if you’re having fun, why do you only talk about your problems? I thought… I thought we’re friends, but you just… you’re just being selfish,” he muttered. 

Morality felt guilt squeeze his heart, he knew that his friend was insecure, he shouldn’t bother him with his problems! “I’m sorry, really. I won’t bring it up again.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

The word burned as it left his lips and he suddenly felt the urge to go and hide, but instead he started to smile again, turning back to the game. He thought he might be losing, but, well, what did that mater? 

* * *

“Can’t we play something else than cards?” Morality asked, weeks later, even though he felt nervousness trying to silence him. 

“But don’t you like playing cards?”

“Yeah, it’s just that we don’t really play anything else anymore…” He was fidgeting where he sat cross legged on the floor, avoiding to look his Friend in the eyes. 

“Why do you always have to whine about everything? Can’t we just have fun?” His voice sounded like the hissing snakes in the documentaries Logic liked to watch. 

“But we could also have fun playing Monopoly or-“

His friend groaned, interrupting him. “Why can’t we just play cards? Why do you have to be so selfish?” he asked.

Morality wanted to argue, but sighed, putting on a tired smile. “I’m-I’m sorry. I was just being silly. Let’s play cards, okay?” 

His Friend relaxed at that, and Patton did too. 

* * *

Morality and Zhang Min were playing on a set that reminded Morality of Mulan, fighting off shadow warriors with creepy eyes and shard swords. Zhang Min was taking the lead, their samurai sword cutting through their enemies until they turned into glitter. 

Morality was feeling a bit icky with having to hurt the faceless attackers, but Zhang Min was having fun, and he didn’t want to ruin their game…

The glitter fell to the ground, and Morality held back the grief over the faceless warrior.

Zhang Min cheered him on.

He smiled at them, even as it itched. He missed the pillowfort, but he wouldn’t say that. He didn’t want to upset Creativity, and stuff like that always upset his Friend. So he smiled, even as he wanted to mourn the spots of glitter on the floor. 

* * *

“This is fun!” his Friend grinned, holding the cards in both hands, probably looking down on a winning deck. 

Morality smiled in return, even if it was strained and looked down on his own cards. He was never good with these kinds of games, but when he played with his friend he seemed to lose no matter what. “Yeah,” he still agreed. 

He let the game go on, wishing for his Friend to pick up on what was going on. To read his id and not force him to talk about it. But his Friend never did. So Morality collected his courage. 

When his Friend won and smirked at him, he took his chance. “Do you wanna meet the others?” he asked, nervously. 

His Friend looked up, eyes big. Morality already felt regret pool in his gut. “Why do you ask?” he murmured, insecurity flickering in his eyes. 

“I just thought you’d like meeting the others! They’re all really nice and I’m sure you’d get along great!” he smiled brightly. He ignored the nervousness that curled in his mind. His Friend would adore Vigilance, he was sure! And Creativity too! 

“But… But I thought we were friends” his Friend muttered.

“We are! I just think you’d like the others too! It’s not- not that I don’t like you anymore!” 

But the other didn’t listen. “You said we were friends! Why do you want to get rid of me?-” there was a frantic edge in his voice Morality had never heard before- “What did I do wrong? I thought we were getting along so good…” he said to himself, arms curling around his sides, as the emotion left him, a dull shell seeming to replace his best friend. 

Morality quickly jumped up and pulled the other into a hug, feeling guilt pour through him as his Friend sniffled.

“You did nothing wrong, I’m sorry I asked, everything is okay,” he told the other, trying to imitate the tone their Mom used whenever Thomas had a nightmare. 

They stayed like that for a while. 

Morality scolded himself for upsetting his friend. Really, what had he been thinking? He knew that his friend liked to keep to himself, he should’ve respected that! But he had just been rash and selfish- he swallowed as he felt the emotions come up that had pent up in the last few months. He couldn’t break down now, not when his Friend needed him!

“We… We are friends, right?” he heard the murmur against his chest and quickly nodded.

“Of course we are! You are my best friend!” 

The other nodded, regaining his smile. “Okay. Can we continue playing?”

Morality nodded. He didn’t bring a meeting up again.

* * *

His friend was talking and gesticulating wildly and Morality tried to listen to him, tried to smile and nod at the right places, complimenting his friend when it was needed but otherwise staying silent. 

But, the thing was… it was getting harder. Because he was tired and it was late and they would meet all their relatives for Christmas tomorrow, and Vigilance was freaking out about it and Morality was having difficulties staying as upbeat and happy as he should. His smile just kept itching and burning, almost falling.

“Hey, you okay?” his friend asked. Morality flinched. He’d messed up again, couldn’t he just have fun?  _ Typical _ . “Of course! My thoughts were just wandering” he smiled, even though it hurt his cheeks. 

His Friend still closed up, shoulder tensing. “Oh... Should I shut up? I’m sorry if I bothered you, really… I should go-” 

Morality was just fast enough to see tears shining in his friend’s eyes and he felt his heart lurch. He should’ve been more careful with his expressions, he should’ve been more attentive towards his friend’s needs, he shouldn’t have been so  _ selfish _ !

“No! It’s not you, I’m just being silly, I’ll get over it” he smiled, even though it burned and he almost cried, but he  **couldn’t** and so he blinked until his vision was clear again. 

“Are you sure? I wouldn’t want to bother you…” his Friend asked, and Morality had to suppress the urge to hate himself. He should be taking care of his friend, but instead he was hogging attention and making him feel worse! 

“You could never be bothering me! We’re best friends, remember?” he smiled, even if it was strained. But he knew how to smile through his pain. He had to stay happy, after all. He didn’t remember the last time he’d come into an empty room. 

“Please, tell me about your theory again? It sounded really interesting” he continued.

His Friend sighed and looked down. “I can tell you don’t care. Not really,” he murmured, hugging himself. “It’s just… I expected you to be… better. You say you’re this happy, caring person, but you… you just wanna talk about yourself.” 

Morality tried to interrupt him, but his Friend was standing up, anger mixing with sadness. 

“And you don’t even have the guts to say it, you just… you just  **beg** for attention and make yourself out to be the victim and- I  **wanna** help you! I really do, but… It’s hard”

Morality closed his eyes, but the tears still escaped. He curled into himself, a hand pressed onto his mouth so he wouldn’t make a sound. He was so…  _ so sorry _ .

He didn’t see the pained look on his friends face.

Morality heard the other crouch in front of him, heard him swallow as he searched for words. “Can’t you… Can’t you just be happy?” 

As a hand cupped his face, Morality looked up. His eyes were glued together with his spilled guilt and more tears rose as he saw the tortured look on his friend’s face. But he was kinder than Morality deserved, wiping the tears away with gloved hands. He leaned into the touch, and his friend smiled.

“Please? For me?” Morality tried to speak, but his throat was stuffed with cotton the taste of sad words. So he swallowed them down before they could stumble out of his mouth. He nodded, and smiled, even as more tears spilled.

His friend wiped them away, smiling softly, even as he felt regret rise up.

But it didn’t matter, this was  _ necessary _ . So Deceit returned the smile, just as fake as Morality’s. 

* * *

“I chose a new name!” Patton exclaimed, suppressing the flutter of fear in his chest. “It’s Patton!” he grinned before his friend could even react, waiting to see his reaction. He was almost jumping with euphoria. 

He still remembered Anxiety’s smile and Logic’s pleased surprise and Ty’s excitement, the other having outright  _ demanded  _ to celebrate Patton’s new name! And it’d been so lovely and fun, he couldn’t wait to share this with his best friend as well! He wanted to see what his best friend would say- wanted that last bit of acceptance. So he was jumping in place and grinning like a madman, gauging his friend’s reaction with big eyes.

“That’s… cool. I guess,” the other muttered, playing with his sleeves. He didn’t exactly seem… enthusiastic. Or even happy. 

Patton could hear his happiness shatter, could feel the shards poison his good mood with disappointment and hurt. “What… is there something wrong with it?” he asked, voice suddenly brittle.

He loved his name, of course, it had made him smile the first time he heard it, it had felt like  _ his _ , like it was just another part of himself he had discovered a bit late. But… But maybe he had been wrong?

“It’s not… It’s just really  _ weird _ . It’s your decision of course, it just sounds kinda- kinda silly.” His friend crossed his arms over his chest as he said it. 

Patton wanted to protest. He  _ liked _ his name, he liked that it was silly and childish and weird! But his friend was just telling him his opinion, and should he really fight him for that? Wouldn’t that be unfair and mean and selfish? 

In the end, all he could manage was a weak. “Well, I still like it.” His smile had dimmed, beginning to itch.

“Well, that’s what’s most important, right? So- wanna play cards? Morality?”

Patton ignored the stinging and smiled instead, nodding. His friend didn’t mean anything by it, he was sure.

* * *

“He’s so cute! We talked today, and Lilibet even managed to flirt a bit before Anxiety interrupted her! I can’t wait for Thomas to ask him out! Of course, we would have to convince Anxiety, but even  _ he _ likes him, and Lilibet is working together with Logic to make a completely foolproof plan! Just… can you imagine? Thomas and Leon could go on a date, they could go see a movie, and go eat something afterwards, and talk about stuff, and maybe they’ll even hold hands!” Patton grinned, unable to contain his crush.

Leon was just too good to be true! Thomas and he were in the same class, they talked almost every day, Leon laughed at their jokes -even Patton’s puns! - and whenever Thomas saw him they all felt the butterflies in their stomachs.

“Are you sure? I mean, Coming Out,” the words were too big in his Friend’s mouth, disfigured with unfamiliarity, “would be huge deal. And what if it’s just a phase? What if the feelings will go away in a few weeks and it will all be for nothing?- What if our parents don’t accept us?” 

Patton just smiled, earnest glee filling him for the first time in far too long. He wouldn’t let his friend destroy this, not this too. “But it’ll be worth it even if we only get those weeks!  _ He _ ’s worth it! I just… I just know” he smiled, again, love-struck and deliriously happy. “And our parents will be happy for us! Or they will be as soon as they see how happy Leon makes Thomas!” he grinned, elated when it didn’t itch or burn.

“But how do you know these emotions are  _ real? _ They could just be temporary. And Thomas is supposed to like  **girls** ! What if he loses his chance at true love because of a phase? Wouldn’t that break Creativity’s heart?” 

Patton was ready to defend his feelings, but grew quiet as his friend mentioned Lilibet. She… would be heartbroken if their chance at true love was ruined by Patton being too rash. And it wouldn’t be the first time he had been wrong…

“But he makes Thomas happy,” he replied weakly. He makes  _ me  _ happy, he didn’t say. 

“Yeah, but… but let’s be real- How sure can you be that this won’t go horribly wrong? Would you really want Thomas to be sad just because of you?” his friend muttered, sounding uncomfortable even uttering the words, as if it was a difficult duty he couldn’t slither away from, no matter what he tried.

“No, of course not!” Patton’s stomach turned at the thought, and he hugged himself to try and rid it of the feeling. 

* * *

They ended up not asking Leon out.

Lilibet was weeping into her pillow when he began dating another girl in their class.

Logic hid his hurt and disappointment in hours of work.

Anxiety pretended to be unfazed, but cried silently while listening to his music. 

Deceit told himself that protecting Thomas was worth it. With all the lies he’d already told, he barely even noticed this one.

And Patton? Patton kept on smiling. 


End file.
